Yesterday early morning, I had a dream.
There was a spider, big, he must have been bigger than the size of a frying pan. Non-hairy,
Weaving his net, medium grey ; the "threads" looked, to me, like long and sturdy chains of liquorice candy. And it was a "he" spider, haha, really I have no idea why i just intrinsically knew that the spider is male.
Then he dropped to the floor; few things happened that I think not necessary to recall here. I struggled for quite a while to catch him and eventually, (heroically?), managed to actually killed him by dropping a spiral nonspecific object.
It was not scary to me, in any sense of scariness. but the dream has been struck in my head quite noticeably yesterday - especially, about the state of him -- weaving his mildly sensual grey-ish liquorice strings.
Almost felt I could reach and bite and eat and chew and taste those peculiar candy threads above me.
" Making something makes you want to make another. "
wasting the whole day for no good 'seasoning'
i read some John Cage's.
" Searching (outloud) for a way to read. Changing frequency. Going up and then going down: going to extremes. [...] A new breadth for each new event. Any event that follows a space is a new event. Making music by reading outloud. To read. To breathe. IV: equation between letters and silence. Making language saying nothing at all. What's in mind is to stay up all night reading. "
but we can't
daylight i enjoy
so why sleep-talk ?
sometimes - urges of forcing myself to be emotionally distant. to detach all sentiments for, say, an object, a situation, a happening, people, whatever is melting me inside. to balance my imbalance, that - my weakest point - weekness of losing control over emotional fluctuation.
detachment is almost as important as getting attached.
when you get closer to someone, also need to have the tinge sense of knowing how to not get close to that someone at the same time. so you won't absorb too much. or won't get wet.
close-ness gets scary sometimes.